Beauty From Ashes
I had a bad moment last weekend. Well, honestly, it was more than a “bad moment”. I had a full 24 hours where I seemed to step into the past, and all of the healing I’ve fought for disappeared. A close friend of mine was celebrating their birthday on Friday, and so we went to see a movie of their choice. They chose a new thriller that just came out about a serial killer and we were excited for the jump scares and twists and turns that come along with movies like that. Sitting in that chair, munching on my flatbread pizza, I was expecting to be nervous. I expected to possibly be grossed out and cover my eyes. (I’m a big scaredy cat when it comes to scary movies and I read news articles during the intense scenes to distract myself, haha). I even expected a predictable ending.
What I did not expect, however, was to see a father savagely beat his children on screen the way my father beat us. This is not “entertainment” to me. This was not the first time a violent scene in a movie reminded me of my past, and usually I’m able to move forward. However, this one… this scene… it re-enacted a forgotten, painful memory from 20 years ago that I’d unknowingly buried. In a situation I’m normally able to cruise right through, I suddenly stalled out. For rest of the movie, I sat and cried. My friend, God bless ‘‘em, sent me compassionate looks and apologized for choosing the movie. And this brings me to the worst freaking part of overcoming abuse - sometimes you don’t feel like an over comer at all. Sometimes, it really sucks. (Excuse my crass language, but it’s true.) Someone chooses to hurt you, and with incredible strength that only God can give, you decide not to be defined by that hurt. But… the only way to heal and reclaim your life is to face it… but it hurts to face it… and we face it in stages. We don’t get to choose the pace, or which memories surface. Just, as they come up, we breathe through the hurt and anger, release some tears, and trust God with that memory, too… even if it’s in the middle of a movie theater. I’m going to be honest and say that, in the moment, I hate facing memories. I hate the feeling of victimhood it lays over me. I’m a laid back person who does not like a lot of unnecessary fuss or drama. Being surprised by these….erm, “opportunities” to face trauma, heal, and grow just feels so fussy. Friday was my friends birthday - it was a day that supposed to be about them. Not me. Though we managed to play some board games and have some fun after the movie, it bothered me that my past trauma had found a way to creep back into my life. The sadness unleashed from that movie scene lingered for two days, hanging over my weekend like a dark cloud.
My dear friend, I don’t know about the trauma you have been through in your life. I don’t know where you are in your healing journey, or how well you are doing today. However, I just wanted to share my heart with you and encourage you just in case you are feeling overwhelmed, too. Healing is hard work. It’s often described as a lovely, pleasant thing, isn’t it? It’s not. While healing is a blessing that unleashes so much joy in our lives - the work we do in the moment can be agonizing. Healing isn’t fast, either. And I don’t think it’s something we’re ever truly done with. I believe with all of my heart that God can make us whole after we have been shattered, because He has done this for me. But, what is “whole”? I believe “wholeness” is having the willingness, strength, and ability to overcome the pain we’ve gone through in our lives. Being whole means being dedicated to enjoy your life as much as you are able to at this current point in your life, and doing what you need to do to fight for your joy.
I’ll phrase it another way - sometimes you don’t know there’s still more buried trauma to deal with until it bubbles up to the surface. And, sometimes you don’t know you could be even more free, until another hidden memory is suddenly exposed, and… gone.
Sister, I pray this helps you want to keep going. To face the trauma when God exposes it, even if it’s in the middle of the theater. The Lord allows these moments to happen so that you can experience a new level of freedom and healing. So, even though it’s messy, and fussy, and people may give you weird looks. Be messy and fussy because you are just that dedicated to loving your life and being whole.
This past Sunday, after an emotionally heavy weekend wrestling with a memory, I spent some time talking with the Lord about it all. He told me something I’d love to share with you. I was frustrated and tired, and with tears streaming down my face, I asked Him when the beauty would come from ashes of my past that He promises in the book of Isaiah. When would the good outweigh the bad? If the feeling of love could become a person, it felt like Love came, sat down beside me, and wrapped me in a bear hug. Then I heard the Lord speak over me, “I know you don’t understand why certain things happened in your life, or why healing hurts so badly sometimes - but every time you take another step, you become more and more the person you were made to be. Kelly, you are the beauty that is rising from the ashes. You are like a phoenix emerging from the fire. I will not leave you, and I will not stop until you have only beauty and no ashes. This is why I want you to face the ashes.”
“To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty instead of ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory.” Isaiah 61:3 NLT
Beautiful soul, if it’s true for me, it is true for you. God doesn’t play favorites. You are the beauty rising up from the ashes of your life. You are a resilient phoenix emerging from the fires that tried to engulf you. You are an oak of righteousness growing from the dirty circumstances you were dealt. Don’t stop. Never stop trying to reach the next step of being “even more whole.” God won’t stop either, not until you have only beauty in your beautiful heart and no more ashes.
I’ll leave you with this bit of wisdom that continues to inspire me:
“They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds.” - Mexican Proverb
And what a beautiful seed you are, indeed.
- Kelly
