Loving Lost Family Members

Tonight, during a quiet moment, God brought to mind the story of the prodigal son. I thought about how the son who left and fell into sin was rehearsing the “perfect apology” on his way back home. He knew he wasted his father’s fortune on foolish things, hurting his family and embarrassing himself, and it humbled him. The son knew, without a doubt, that he had done wrong. So, he really was remorseful and planned to say far more than a simple “sorry” upon returning home. The apology he planned to offer his father was genuine.

“I want to go back home to my father’s house, and I’ll say to him, ‘Father, I was wrong. I have sinned against you. I’ll never again be worthy to be called your son. Please, Father, just treat me like one of your employees.’” - Luke 15:18-19 TPT

However, before this son could even utter a single word of his well thought out apology, his father saw him approaching far in the distance and ran to meet him. It turned out that this father had already long ago forgiven his son. Even though his son had surely hurt and betrayed him, the love he had for his child remained unchanged. He scooped his boy up in his arms and rejoiced that he had made it back safe and sound. This father felt no bitterness towards his son, no animosity or anger, only love. 

 “So the young son set off for home. From a long distance away, his father saw him coming, dressed as a beggar, and great compassion swelled up in his heart for his son who was returning home. The father raced out to meet him, swept him up in his arms, hugged him dearly, and kissed him over and over with tender love. Then the son said, ‘Father, I was wrong. I have sinned against you. I could never deserve to be called your son. Just let me be—’ 

The father interrupted and said, ‘Son, you’re home now!’” 

- Luke 15:20-21 TPT

            As I thought about the parable, the Holy Spirit spoke over me, “Both sides of this story have something to teach. Seek to apologize like the son when you are wrong, accepting total responsibility. And, forgive like the father, showing grace to those who hurt you even while they are still absent, before they are even sorry.” 

This lesson is very close to my heart right now, because God has been walking me through a difficult situation in my family. I have an older sibling who has always carried some resentment towards me for various reasons. When we were kids, it was because they thought I was given more attention than they were. The truth is, we were both raised in an abusive household, so neither of us was given the love we deserved. This person can understand what happened in my past more than anyone else, but rather than our shared experiences bringing us closer together, it has created a rift. For the past 10 years, I have prayed for my sibling to find the healing I’ve found in the Lord. I have watched them suffer through addictions, bailed them out of jail, even taken a few hits, and have come every time they called me… always hoping that this was their “rock bottom” and their life was about to change for the better. 

Over the past year, I accepted a truth that before now, I refused to accept. I cannot make people do what is best for them, they must want it. If someone has set their mind on living in a harmful way, I have to let them and trust God to do what He does best. I love this family member with all my heart, but they have, at least for now, decided to hate me. God help me, I have to let them. Because when we talk, they are verbally abusive and often place me in dangerous situations, for my own well-being I decided to distance myself from them for a while and have stopped taking their calls. This was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do, and in anger, I wanted to hate this person for leaving me no other choice. But then I hear the Lord tell me to show the grace I have been shown and forgive, to pray for the one who hurts me, and hope we can be reunited again. 

Nothing in life is so complicated as the family dynamic. When things are good, they can be so good. And, when things are bad, it seems like there is no end to just how bad things can get. I believe that is it very important to know when a relationship is worth fighting for, and when it is time (for your own safety and wellbeing) to walk away. Dear friend, if you are going through a similar situation with a loved one, walking away does not mean you don’t love them anymore. It means that you love them too much to continue enabling their bad behavior, and that you yourself are worthy of love they cannot give you right now. 

Jesus tells us to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44), but He also says we should be “as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). The book of Proverbs also instructs us to “above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (Pro. 4:23)” I used to think that “loving my enemies” meant burying the wound to end the conflict, and trusting someone who hurt me as though nothing happened. Since then, through painful experiences that became teaching moments and seeking wisdom in God’s Word, I have learned an important lesson. Love is not blind. Love is nuanced. Love can exist in many forms with varying levels of trust. Love is not lessoned by time or distance, and sometimes in order to heal, love needs both of these. And finally, love can still be selfless without being foolish. 

For example, Jesus sacrificed Himself on the cross for our sins so that everyone who believes in Him can be saved from Hell and enjoy Heaven with Him (John 3:16). Love cannot get more selfless than this! However, He still practiced wisdom by requiring us to come to salvation through faith. Though God loves everyone, Heaven is not open to everyone. We have to be cleansed from our sins to enter in, otherwise Heaven would become just as imperfect and violent as the earth. So, to keep the good in and bad out, God set boundaries in place. These boundaries are not meant to exclude anyone, but to call us all to rise to a higher level. 

What this teaches me about love is: if someone requires me to ignore my boundaries and lower the bar to be close with them, it isn’t love. Love needs boundaries and rules so that both people can be healthy and bring out the best (instead of the worst) in each other. Without proper boundaries, a bond quickly becomes co-dependent. 

Co-dependency is defined as: “imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive tendencies (such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement).” 

“Definitions of codependency vary, but typically include high self-sacrifice, a focus on others' needs, suppression of one's own emotions, and attempts to control or fix other people's problems.”

Another article had this to say on the subject: “Relationships are mutually beneficial, providing love and support to both parties. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided, casting one person in the role of constant caregiver. By being caring, highly functional, and helpful, that person is said to support, perpetuate, or “enable” a loved one’s irresponsible or destructive behavior.”

Growing up, I had to keep my abusers happy to survive. Unknowingly, I continued to do this as an adult because it’s what I thought “love” was. And, to be honest, I also really liked being needed, too. It was not until things with my sibling really went off the deep end and into a very unhealthy place that I could see just how distorted my view of love was.

For love to be love, there must be trust and respect. 

In the church we are often taught Bible stories of selfless love that forgives the worst and conquers all. While these lessons are true and very powerful, there are some other truths I wish I’d learned sooner:

• The father in the Prodigal Son story never stopped loving his son, ever. However, the father still let him go. The father never stopped waiting for his son to return, but he did not venture out into danger and drag the son home kicking and screaming against his will. He waited until the son realized he was wrong, acknowledging the hurt he caused, and chose to come home. This father forgave his son long before he came back, but “making amends” takes two people.

• Continuing to trust someone who has consistently shown themselves to be untrustworthy is dangerous. And not just for you, but everyone around you. If this prodigal son returned without feeling any remorse and was welcomed back in, who knows what may have happened. Could he have robbed his father blind? Could he have become violent? When someone crosses a line, they will do it again and again if they are not held accountable. In this prodigal son story, God is the Father and we are the son who wandered far. Just like the father in the story, God will never stop loving us, ever. However, He still requires us to admit when we are wrong (repent) and express a desire to change before He welcomes us into the kingdom (see 2 Chronicles 7:14, Acts 3:19, 1 John 1:9, and 2 Peter 3:9). This is why we pray what is known as the “sinner’s prayer” when we surrender our lives to Christ.

• Followers of Jesus should always seek to love others like Jesus has loved us. Usually when this subject is taught, the lesson is centered around God’s selfless, agape love. I believe it is just as important to talk about God’s boundaries, because they remind us to love with wisdom.

Having been hard-wired to people-please my entire life, establishing boundaries and enforcing them has been hard. Even though I know better logically, emotionally I sometimes feel like I am being selfish for requiring people to treat me with respect. I was just so used to being discarded until I was needed, and being walked on like a doormat… 

As I enforce healthy boundaries, it helps me to view things this way: if I believe every person is valuable to God, doesn’t that also include me? If I allow others to dismiss my needs and treat me poorly, I’m not “helping” them to be who God created them to be. I am enabling them to be a lesser version of themselves. So, the real selfless way to love others is not forgoing boundaries and respect, but enforcing these things for their good and for my own. 

The Bible has a clear definition of what love is, and it’s a helpful tool to measure how well we treat others, and how well others are treating us in return. Now, because no one is perfect, disagreements and hurt feelings are going to happen occasionally. The thing we should look out for is how others habitually treat us. If someone consistently demeans, insults, and dismisses you – do not ignore this! 

“Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 AMP

If you have spent years silently tolerating abusive behavior for the sake of “loving someone like Jesus,” reading this may feel so bizarre, and maybe even appear “un-Christian” to you right now. If I had read something like this even a year ago, I would have found every excuse to keep putting up with my sibling’s mistreatment for the sake of our relationship. But now, having had some distance to clear my mind, I can see how toxic it was. Things would explode and I would do all I could to fix it… only for things to explode again. One moment I was their “favorite sibling” and the next, I was a [insert curse word]. Nothing was stable in this relationship and trying to be close with them always left me feeling alone and wounded. 

Dear friend, you cannot live the life God wants for you if you are always healing from something new.

Constantly picking up the pieces of someone else’s mess will keep you from building a healthy life of your own with the Lord.

Staying in unhealthy relationships is like being stranded in the midst of an angry sea, getting battered by tidal waves. Love should not make you feel like you are drowning. Take your Savior’s hand. Let Him help you out of that stormy sea and teach you what love really is. 

“Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.”

- 1 Corinthians 13:7 TPT  

I want you know that my own personal situation is still raw with the feelings of hurt and betrayal. I’m not speaking as someone who has all of this figured out, but as someone who is walking through this myself right now. I vividly remember looking up to my older sibling with stars in my eyes when I was younger. I wanted to be close with them all the time, so much so that it annoyed them, haha! The thought of not speaking with them on a regular basis breaks my heart - but trying to help someone who doesn’t want help, and trying to trust someone who cannot be trusted hurts, too. 

If loving someone like a friend (investing trust, building intimacy) is not possible, then we have to love them like an enemy (forgiving them from the heart, keeping them in our prayers, and hoping for a day when reconciliation is possible). When we try to love an enemy like a friend, allowing them access to our lives knowing they will continue their abuse, this is not love. We are not helping them by enabling their behavior, we are only hurting ourselves. Love forgives, but it also holds people accountable. Love never gives up, but it also knows when to take a step back and recognize when staying will do more harm than good. 

To love like Jesus means to never stop wanting the best for people, even those who hurt you. This is the only way we can rise above the pain instead of it ruining us. I think that sometimes when people finally realize how deeply they’ve hurt you, they want to apologize but fear it may be too late. Loving like Jesus means they will find us waiting to welcome them back when they are ready to get healthy. 

For anyone with family rifts, lost loved ones, and hurts you are working through, I hope this helped you in some way. I won’t presume to know how you feel, but personally, there are moments when I think I failed this sibling and guilt hits me like a hammer. But the Holy Spirit, like only He can, gently reminds me that love never fails. Love never ends. Love continues in all circumstances, always waiting until our loved one comes home. 

I believe God will bring restoration in my family, and in yours.  

God bless you, my friend. 

- Kelly

Sources: 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency