Let Them Know You Are Different Now

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and see, the new has come!”

2 Corinthians 5:17 CSB

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been different people throughout my life so far. It is both a thrilling and yet sobering thought to have cross my mind. Just think - to some people you are their favorite person, their most trusted confidant. And yet to others, even if you’ve tried your best to do the right thing (or perhaps you were at a low point in your life and it showed) you still ended up as the villain in someone’s story. To my former friends from high school, I'll always be thought of as the angry alternative girl who was down to drink and have a good time so I could drown out the pain I was hiding. And yet, seven years later, the kind woman who talked me through my mother’s end-of-life care and hospice plans will always know me as the young woman who prayed psalms over my mom and cried because she wouldn’t live to see me hit all of the milestones that lay ahead. Today, I am not angry, nowhere near alternative in my style, or masking pain with various substances. And, though I miss my mom, I am no longer grief stricken or broken over her loss. It’s funny, the last time my mom and I spent time together I was frustrating her to no end because I had no plans to get married and she was desperate to be a grandmother. The girl I was at 24 is so different from who I am now at almost 32. She’d be glad to know I found a guy so great I changed my mind about marriage, and we even want a baby… eventually. Who I am now would be a stranger to my mother, but hopefully she’s proud of me.

What got me thinking about all the various people one person can be throughout their lifetime, all of the beautiful and necessary transformations we go through, was a Facebook message from an old friend. This person was one of the adults I admired growing up. For the sake of privacy, let’s call her Susan. In my mind, Susan will always be the young 30-something woman with long blonde hair and a great big smile that I first saw when I was 10 years old. To say she is vivacious is an understatement. She’s not the “life of the party” as that saying goes - she is the party. She’s the kind of party where you never feel like an outsider, but loved on and included. She makes friends everywhere, and in this way, she has always reminded me of my mom. They are both social butterflies - fluttering about, leaving everyone captivated. It had been a few years since we talked, so when I saw her message, I jumped to respond. When the messenger window popped up, I saw she had sent pictures of me from when I was 18.

Because I know I would be curious if I was in your shoes, here's one of the photos she sent. It’s me circa 2011. You're welcome. LOL.

My first thought was “eesh, where did she get these and how can I destroy them?” I replied with a simple: “Wow, I look so weird!” And, in my opinion, weird was being nice. In the photos, I’d fried my beautiful coils straight and you could tell my hair was breaking because I wasn’t taking care of it. I was also about 50 pounds overweight, and dressed in baggy jeans and t-shirts all the time because I hadn't discovered my style yet. The girl in the photos was so insecure, so broken still, lost… but young. I would learn so much between then and now and, goodness, it showed. Susan replied with “No you weren’t! You have always been beautiful!” I said “thanks!” but really thought, “WHO are you referring to?” And then it hit me - we are remembering two very different people, both of whom happen to be me. Now, the conversation didn’t end there, and if you’ll stick with me, I promise it’ll be worth it.

I thought that sweet response from Susan would be the end of our chat for a little while, but it wasn't. The next morning, I woke up to another message - one referring to someone who hurt me a lot at the time those photos she sent me were taken. I won’t go to deep into the details ( I share a lot of them in my book, To the Unloved, in chapters 6 & 7) but 18 year old me had a lot to heal from: years of physical and sexual abuse from my father, neglect, and homelessness throughout my childhood. I started going to church by myself in my late teens to find out if God really loved me because I just needed someone to love me. Two women - Susan and Dotty (her name is changed out of respect as well) told me God did indeed love me, and that He wanted to heal me. I trusted them when they told me this, and poured my heart out to them, especially Dotty. I was so hopeful and hungry for any kind of acceptance.

You see, Dotty was this older, glamorous woman who had children and grandchildren who all loved her. She seemed to be the opposite of my family. Everything about her seemed so wholesome, so I trusted her in a way I had never trusted anyone. I told her details of the abuse and showed her naked photos my father forced me to pose for when I was 5 years old. She made me feel seen for the first time in my life. After a while, she started saying I was “like a daughter” and began counting me as someone near and dear to her. At this time, I had no real family (my mom was dating a guy who tried to kill me - it’s a long story - so I was keeping my distance from them). Dotty, Susan, and other people at our church became my family. And 18 year old me was running around trying to do everything I could to be good enough so my new family wouldn’t leave me or hurt me like my biological one had. I gave every spare moment I had to them, volunteering at the church’s food bank, teaching Sunday school to the children, running a summer camp by myself, organizing a small Bible study group for young woman - you name it, I was trying to do it. I worked 12 hour days and for free, thinking all the while that I was making a difference and making Dotty and her pastor husband proud.

And then one day Dotty sat me down for what she called a “meeting” where she presented a list of things I’d done wrong as well as observations about my life she didn't like or agree with. Looking back, the grievances were minor - stuff like handing out bottles of water at the food bank when it was hot outside, or praying in my car in the church parking lot at night. I didn’t want to be in the lonely basement apartment I had retreated to after fleeing the violence of my mom’s house. I wanted to be at church with the people who loved me. I wanted to be close with God whenever I could, and it really seemed like He was there in that church building. Their church was like a campfire and I longed for its warmth all the time - until it burned me. Suddenly, there was Dotty basically telling me all of my work had been bad, I did this and this wrong, and I’d ought to basically change everything about myself because who I was wasn’t good enough. After that meeting and her list of my supposed sins, the love was gone, or at least that’s how she made it seem. I wasn’t “like a daughter” anymore. I'd never seen someone’s face filled with as much disappointment as I did that day, and she made it seem like everyone else at church felt the way she did. I tried to fix things, but not truly understanding how my very best could fail so miserably, I didn’t know where to start to make things right again. I faced the fact I thought was true at the time: I wasn’t good enough. I never would be. Dotty told everyone her version of events, and no one would talk to me. I didn’t try to defend myself because I didn’t think anyone would listen. With my heart and confidence shattered, I left the church I had been attending on and off since I was 6 years old.

It took me 2 years to believe God loved me after the meeting with Dotty, that He didn’t abandon me when she did. It took 6 years for me to hear from Susan again, who told me profusely she had nothing to do with that meeting and still cared for me. I would continue with my life, my faith, and my ministry career, but the judgment Dotty threw my way was one of the biggest hurdles I’ve ever had to overcome. She knew all the gory details of abuse I’d suffered from my family. I told her things I had never shared with anyone, very private and personal details that I feared made me weird and she confirmed my worst fears. She knew how mistreated and neglected I’d been, knew I had only just recently left that abuse and was extremely fragile, and she kicked me down before I even had a chance to really stand. When you are mistreated by person after person, you start to believe you must be the problem. Her rejection was a tipping point for me, and because of her, my confidence plummeted lower than it had ever been. I thought everyone who said they loved me after her was lying. “Love me?” I thought, “Not truly possible.”

As you can probably guess, it hurts to remember this. Though I have forgiven her, I won’t forget, because she taught me through her cruelty that how you treat people matters - especially when they are at their lowest point. Being careless with people can cause wounds that ache for years. Now beloved, I wanted you to know all of this for context so this next part makes sense.

The message I woke up to from Susan the next day was: “I don’t know all the details about what happened between you and Dotty, but she read your book and was hurt by what you said. I told her that she should try to reconnect with you and talk it out.”

When I read her message and saw Dotty’s name, my face started burning. I didn’t expect Susan to mention her at all. I remembered how Dotty made me feel, the hurt she caused that took so long to heal from, and felt angry that she was the one who was claiming I caused her pain. And then God spoke over my anger in the calming and disarming way He always does and told me, “Remember who you are now. Think of all the ways I have helped you heal. You are loved. You know this now. You are not that broken girl anymore. This is your chance to make your younger self proud!”

I made kindness, grace, and confidence my goal in my response. I won’t type the full message here, but it was something along the lines of: “I wrote about what Dotty said and did in my book to help other people who have gone through church-hurt and rejection. I forgave Dotty a long time ago and never thought she would even read the book, and I didn’t share anything vengeful about her. If she feels badly about the experience I had with her, it’s because she knows she was wrong. I have every right to share my truth and what God has brought me through, so I won’t apologize for that. I also don’t have any desire to see or talk with her again, but I hope she has changed and I wish her the best.”

I hit send and thought with a smile - I know who I am in Christ now. God scooped up the pieces of the broken girl that she broke even more and made me whole, confident, and even a little feisty. That little girl they knew then grew up and learned her worth in Christ. I’m different now… I’m different now… I will never be so desperate for love again that I will tolerate mistreatment. God made me for more that.

In my story with Dotty, I was the broken young woman she broke even more. Whether she meant to do that or not, she did. In all honesty, I dislike my part of “victim” probably as much as she dislikes her role, because for the longest time it only brought on self-pity, fear, and shame. However, the beauty of growth and God’s grace is that just like I’m different now, I hope she is, too. Sure, she was the villain in that chapter, but it’s just chapter – not her entire life. It doesn’t have to define either of us moving forward.

I’m so grateful to our Heavenly Father for helping me to trudge through all of that pain, forgive her, and find my worth in Him – because He’s given me an ability I didn’t have all those years ago. It's the ability to move on and not worry about what she’ll think of my message to Susan, or even this lesson should she happen to read it. I don’t need to tell her off or make her realize she was wrong. I don’t even need an apology from her. I hope Dotty is doing well, and that she’s learned to be more patient with hurting people. I already have the closure I need – who she is and chooses to become is between her and the Lord.

Dear friend, I’ve shared all of this to say that every part of your story is important. Every version of you is constantly learning and so worthwhile. And also, that every “character” in your journey serves a purpose. Some people take you lower than you ever thought you would go – so low in fact, it makes you firmly decide to never let someone take you so low again. Others are sent by the Good Lord to unearth love like diamonds from the darkness in your life like my husband, Byron and some friends I’ve made. Dotty threw me away so I could find the people I was meant to be around. If I had stayed there trying to earn love that wasn’t truly available to me, I never would have forged the bonds I have now.

Precious One, I don’t know if you’re in a low place or a good place today. I don’t know if you’re at your best or your worst, but I do know that your story is still being written. Whisper to your heart today, “God is not through with me yet. One day I’m going to naturally be the person I’m struggling to grow into today. For now, I’m trying my best and that is enough.”

 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace [who imparts His blessing and favor], who called you to His own eternal glory in Christ, will Himself complete, confirm, strengthen, and establish you [making you what you ought to be].

1 Peter 5:10 Amplified

Transformation is beautiful thing. So is walking with God. There have been many times over the past few years when He’s brought me full circle simply to show me how far I’ve come. It takes my breath away to think of all the ways my Heavenly Father has helped me to stand strong in places I once crumbled in (this blog is just one example).

Here’s another one - This photo was taken in the same parking lot I once walked when I was 14 and begged God to help me. I was being abused and did not want to live that way anymore. 14 years later (isn't interesting?), we returned to take pictures for the cover of my book, To the Unloved. In my book, I share my story of survival from childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, and homelessness. I literally got to smile from my soul and thank God in the very place my heart once broke! It is a wonderful thing to come full circle!

And through it all I have learned…

Not everyone will be happy to see you have changed – keep growing anyways, you’re not doing it for them.

Not everyone will root for you to become more than what you were - because they liked feeling bigger than you. Grow sister, grow anyways!

Not everyone will want you to use your voice and believe you are somebody and tell your story. They won’t want you to tell people to know how they treated you when it was assumed you were nobody. Tell your story because it is yours to tell, it matters, and God will use it for something good.

Dear friend, there will be people who are angry to see you heal because they had something to gain from your brokenness. There will be people who come around and try to remind you of who you used to be so they can make you feel small again – let them know that person is long gone and move on with your wonderful life. God wants you to know today that His love and healing in your life disarms their power over you - they may try to throw stones, but you will not be broken by them anymore. You never have to hide who you are in shame again. You never have to feel so small and belittled ever again. You never have to downplay your dreams ever again. You never have to run yourself ragged to earn love again. The only one who has power over you is God, and it flows through you and for you, never ever against you (see Romans 8:31-39). Jesus has taken you so very far, my friend (even if it doesn't always feel like it from day to day), and you never have to go back to that dark place. Make yourself a promise today and say, “Never again. I’m different now.”

So if (honestly, its more like when) people from your past try to come back for another jab - let them know the old you doesn’t live there anymore. Their tactics won’t work anymore. You’ve been made new!

Love you,

-Kelly